


Asset Protection

by sekaiseifuku



Series: Shared Equity [2]
Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Sei's not dead after all, but not really, but super late, dmmdrarepairweek2k15, selfcest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-03-26 08:01:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3843280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekaiseifuku/pseuds/sekaiseifuku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was supposed to have been destroyed, but it seemed that hadn't happened after all. He was now aware, thinking and feeling, and coming together more quickly with every passing minute. </p><p>When Sei finally grasped this fact, he experienced a burst of anger, white-hot and shocking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asset Protection

**Author's Note:**

> So apparently I needed to write a couple thousand more words in which nothing happens other than test tube babies talking to pieces of themselves.  
> Alas, this turned out much less smutty than I had hoped.

Sei had lived so long with pain that its sudden absence was oblivion to him -- blissfully quiet and still. At first, he had felt almost as if he no longer existed.

That bliss, however, did not last.

There was a point when he realized quite suddenly that he was aware of a faint warmth, just on the edges of his consciousness. And that awareness was followed very quickly by the realization Sei did, in fact, still exist. 

Existence was necessitated by awareness, was it not? If he was aware, he had to exist ... it was a simple, logical conclusion.

Sei, however, was not quite aware enough to have any feelings on the matter. 

Not yet.

Over time, he came to the conclusion that he had passed on to wherever it was people went when they died. He had died… he was fairly well convinced of that fact. The warmth, he thought, must be part of the afterlife -- Heaven, Nirvana, perhaps even the Universe itself. The idea felt right to him. It made sense. Because what he felt was very much like coming home. 

At least ... it was what he had _imagined_ coming home might feel like. Sei, after all, had never before had a home to which to come home. But now … it felt like perhaps he did.

And he was just aware enough to realize that the thought was a pleasant one. 

In this way, Sei remained content with his strange, detached existence -- the endless warmth around him the only thing of which he was aware. It was a comforting constancy, but for the increasingly frequent times when that warmth seemed to grow in intensity, almost like it was reaching out to him. This made him feel like it wasn't at all constant .. and was perhaps something _more_ than comforting. 

What that might be, Sei did not know; however, over time ... as that warmth drew closer and closer, Sei unknowingly found himself moving toward it, as if he wanted reach out to it. 

As if there were still some piece of himself capable of seeking.

… …

Eventually, Sei realized that he was no longer simply existing, but _thinking_. Thoughts and long-forgotten memories were there, just beyond his grasp, weaving themselves together in a slow, strange dance that created within him a sensation he couldn't quite understand.

For a long time, Sei watched. 

But that, too, did not last.

There was a point at which it became suddenly and unexpectedly clear that the strangeness he felt was the lost pieces of himself coming together -- an endless stream of fragments recombining slowly, piece by piece. 

_This wasn't supposed to happen._

He was supposed to have been destroyed.

But it seemed that hadn't happened after all ... at least, it had not happened in the way he had hoped. He was now aware -- thinking, and feeling -- and was coming together more quickly with every passing minute. 

When Sei finally grasped this fact, he experienced a burst of anger, white-hot and shocking. 

_\--I feel like I should say I'm sorry,--_ a long-forgotten voice called out to him from the darkness, _\--but I'm not.--_

And with that, a figure began to materialize in front of him, the sight the most real thing Sei had experienced since his connection with Aoba had been severed. 

When he had been alive, Sei had always wondered how different he might have been had he grown up outside Platinum Jail. 

In the long days spent in bed, his body weak and wracked with pain following the endless experiments to which he had been subjected, Sei had fantasized about his different his life might have been had he been the one who had been rescued. He had imagined himself tall and strong, walking with the easy confidence he saw his caretakers exhibit. 

Lying there, his solitude pressing down on him, he had dreamed of what it might have been like to have been able do anything he liked. 

_So greedy..._ twin voices from the past whispered to him, part of the memories now coalescing around him. Those two had been wrong about many things, but that hadn't been one of them. 

For a very long time, Sei had wanted so desperately that the pain of those things being beyond his grasp had eclipsed anything Toue could have ever done to him. And when he had closed his eyes and imagined himself in that other life, the figure now standing before him is exactly what he had seen. 

Unlike Aoba, Sei knew his Desire when he saw him.

 _I thought you were gone._

_\--I was--_ his Desire replied, the softly apologetic expression on his face more hurtful than the sum of all the memories around them. _\--I am sorry, but it was ... necessary.--_

_Necessary?_ If he had been corporeal, Sei might have laughed, bitter and harsh. Because the day he had realized that part of himself was gone ... that was the day he had given himself over to the inevitability of death. 

Sei had never been able to pinpoint exactly when it had happened. He had never been as distinctly divided as Aoba was, his Desire always less an entity than a sense of burning want, hidden away in the back of his mind and visited only in secret. Its presence had both driven and tormented him until the day he'd clawed his way back out of the long-familiar haze of anesthesia to be met with a strange, despondent emptiness inside him where his Desire had once been

And while Sei had been accustomed to leaving small fragments of himself behind when he traveled, this had been different. This had been the absence of a fundamental part of himself. That day, he had accepted that the piece of himself that had believed so strongly in the possibility of a different life had finally been extinguished, snuffed out by whatever had been done to him while he had been drugged and separated from his body. 

That day, Sei had finally accepted that his wishes -- his hopes and dreams for something else … anything beyond pain and exhaustion and too-rough touches -- had been in vain. He had accepted that there could never be anything else for him. 

It was the first day he'd spoken his final wish aloud, the only desire with which he had been left. The memory bubbled up between them, a vision of a white ceiling, the feel of the cold, sterile air of the recovery room, and the sound of his raspy voice in his own head-- 

_"I want to be destroyed,"_ he'd whispered, with no one there to hear him.

 _\--That's not what we wanted, though,--_ his other said, bringing his focus away from his memory and back to the present. _\--Not really--_

Sei didn't know what to say to that.

 _\--I am truly sorry for causing you pain. I would never have left had it not been absolutely necessary,--_ his Desire continued. And Sei could somehow _feel_ his other's regret, hollow and piercing. _\--But it was being destroyed, slowly, piece by piece … and I couldn't allow that to happen.--_

Sei realized suddenly that it wasn’t just his thoughts that were coming together, but he -- like his other -- was somehow gaining form, pieces of himself materializing into what felt very much like his true form had. He could feel the heavy weight of his hair and the cool touch of his bare feet upon what seemed to be ground. 

It felt good.

His Desire smiled before closing the distance between them and reaching a strong, tanned hand to Sei’s cheek. The touch was searing, but Sei could not stop himself from leaning into it, taking a step closer until there was practically nothing separating them.

 _\--I had to keep it safe,--_ his other said, the look of sadness in his eyes piercing Sei to the core. _\--If I had remained, it would not have survived.--_

_What?_ Sei whispered. He felt like he should know the answer to his own question, but he did not.

 _\--This--_ he murmured against Sei’s mouth before brushing their lips together. 

And as Sei was taken into his other's embrace, he felt an incandescent burst of long-forgotten feeling. 

Hope. 

Sharp and all-consuming. 

And not just any hope … hope for a universe of dreams that burned too brightly to be ignored, a longing so powerful he’d always wondered how it could be contained in his small, frail form. He of course remembered that something like this had once been within him, but he had somehow entirely forgotten what it had _been like_. 

It had always felt like it didn't belong in someone like him. It had felt as though it should have belonged to someone much greater, much more capable.

 _This is yours,_ Sei murmured as he pulled back, attempting to disengage himself.

 _\--No--_ his Desire replied, cupping Sei’s cheek, not allowing him to escape. _\--It is **ours**. I merely kept it for us .. until it was safe to return.--_

_Return?_

That was impossible, of course. Even if Sei wanted to return, he had no place to which to return. His body was no longer his own, gifted to Aoba’s Reason in his final, selfish act.

 _\--Ren--_ his other said, as if he had heard Sei’s thoughts, _\--is ready. He's been ready since before he even realized it. And now it's time...--_

 _I don’t understand,_ Sei interrupted, confused. 

_\--I know you've felt it.--_ His Desire stepped back, letting go and turning to point into the darkness beyond. _\--…out there…--_

That place beyond himself. The warmth that had tasted so strongly of home. 

_That ... was you..._ Sei whispered. It was the only thing that made sense.

 _\--No.--_ His other shook his head. _\--It was never me. It was Ren ... it has **always** been him. He refused to let go, against all reason and hope. It was his wish that kept you here, safe until I could return. Until we could begin to rebuild what we'd lost...--_

And as if Ren were listening to their strange conversation, aware of every doubt that plagued Sei's mind, that tendril of warmth reached out to him again, flooding him with a sense of belonging that brought tears to his eyes. 

_\--He's waiting for us ... **they** are waiting for us.--_

_I can't._ Sei shook his head and stepped backward again, suddenly desperate to get away. The idea was impossible, and the hope that blossomed within him too cruel. His Desire's hold on him, however, was too strong to shake off---

 _Go,_ he spat, the word venomous sorrow. _You don't need me ... go to them yourself._

If his Desire was indeed responsible for this coming together, it would stop if he left, wouldn't it? If he left, Sei would be left to disintegrate back into nothing. It was preferable to the alternative...

 _\--No.--_ His hand shot out to take Sei by the wrist, brow creasing with concern. _\--If I did that, I would lose the only thing I've ever wanted.--_

 _That’s what you want._ Sei motioned toward the darkness. _You said so yourself … you can have it all._

 _\--That is what **we** want._ His grasp on Sei's wrist tightened, the flash of pain familiar. _\--It's true. All the possibilities of which we dreamed ... we can have those. But the thing for which I wished, beyond all of that, it would be lost to me if you remained behind.--_

Sei was shocked into silence. 

Their desires had been so vast, he couldn't begin to imagine what else there could possibly have been for which to hope.

 _\--You understood Aoba's Desire so well--_ A wistful smile crossed his other’s face as he slowly released his grasp on Sei’s wrist. _\--Is it so difficult to understand your own?--_

Sei remembered the pain he had felt across his connection with Aoba, the frustration and anger Aoba’s Desire had felt at being shoved down and forgotten, his need to protect eventually twisting into an all-encompassing need to destroy. He had been complex and multifaceted, but at the core of everything, he’d had one all-consuming need.

 _He wanted to be acknowledged._

_\--Yes,--_ his other said--- 

_But you never denied my existence; I was always acknowledged.--_

And he was right. While he might not have seen his Desire as something apart from himself in the way Aoba had, Sei had always known he had been there. How could he have not, when he had never been able to escape that constant hunger for more? Its presence had been a raw, aching wound inside him, a pain that had eclipsed that of all his physical wounds combined.

How could he have ignored that?

Sei's hand rose to his mouth slowly as the realization sunk in. 

Aoba had forgotten his Desire and then, not understanding, had come to fear him. But Sei … Sei had _hated_ his. 

For as long as he could remember, he had hated that part of himself. And that was much, much worse … 

 

... wasn't it.

 

 _\--I thought those things could be possible ... someday,--_ his Desire said gently. _\--But you never did.--_

It was true; Sei had never allowed himself the luxury. He had dreamed, but he hadn't believed. 

Dreams were safe only if you didn't believe in them.

But his Desire had.

 _\--Because of that, I caused you pain.--_ He took Sei's hands in his own, the fierce heat of his skin a sharp contrast to the soft warmth around them. _\--But now ... everything we ever wanted is out there, waiting for us to reach out and take. We can have it all.--_

There was a look in his eyes, a steely determination, that caught Sei entirely off guard. 

_\--I want all of that. But more than anything,--_ his other continued, _\--I want **you** to have it. I want for us to reach out for it ... together ... without fear or reservation._

 _I want you to be able to believe that it's possible. I want you to take it for us.--_

And Sei could feel his conviction, the strength of his other's desire for that, above all else. 

_I don't know how,_ he eventually said.

_\--I can show you.--_

_But **how**?_

_\--There is a piece of us still remaining in our body.--_

_I don't understand._ Sei had made sure that every piece of himself would disappear. 

_\--Ren is very stubborn ... he refused to let it go.--_ The look of fondness on his other's face was unmistakable. _\--He's kept that last piece safe for us, all this time. And even before he realized what he was doing, he was calling for us._

 _This ... what you've been feeling this whole time ... it's Ren reaching out, trying to make contact. He **wants** us to return.--_

_I can't take that gift away ... I can't drive him out._

Sei would never do that to Aoba ... or Ren.

_\--We don't have to. He wants to us to share his existence with him.--_

Could it really be possible?

If there was one thing Sei could not deny, it was what he'd felt since that first moment of awareness: the sense of warm welcome ... of home.

 _I’m not ready to wake up,_ Sei whispered, a strange feeling gripping his heart.

 _\--It’s not time for that,--_ his other said, tightening his hold on Sei's hands, _\--Neither of is ready, but we can’t stay here very much longer. We’re coming together too quickly now to remain undetected in the network, and even though Toue is gone, we still can't risk being discovered.--_

Sei felt as if he were on a precipice. A single motion could have him toppling over the edge, plummeting into a realm of possibility that he didn't know he was capable of facing. But standing there, seeing the burning determination in his Desire's eyes, feeling the heat of his presence next to him and the welcoming warmth of that piece of Aoba inside his physical body, Sei felt a kindling of something inside him. It was something that came not from his other, but wholly from himself. 

Caught between the strength of those two presences, Sei thought that perhaps taking the step and embracing the true totality of his Desire ... perhaps that wasn't beyond his reach after all. 

If he could believe as strongly as his other... perhaps it all really _was_ possible.

This time it was Sei who reached out, taking his Desire into his arms and burying his face into his neck. 

"All right," he murmured as he felt the boundaries between them begin to blur. 

"Show me how."


End file.
